Help! I've Created A Monster!
by Beloved Fool
Summary: Crack!fic. Beware when Mayuri has a day off.
1. Chapter 1

**Title;** Help! I've Created a Monster  
**Characters/Pairing;** Mayuri, OC

**Author; **thelastdivision/von uberwald/Beloved Fool  
**Rating;** PG-13 for language and gore.  
**Warning(s);** Crack!fic. Maybe a few spoilers for Soul Society Arc, gross OOCness and lack of respect for readers' sanity.  
**Summary;** Mayuri for the first time ever, decides to take a day off. In which there is an experiment, a result and a slight problem concerning molasses and a hairy monster...  
**Notes;** Beware when Mayuri has free time. Good GACKT, please forgive me for this one.

* * *

Kurotsuchi Mayuri was in a bit of a bind. A sticky situation, he might have said, although at this present moment in time, he found it rather difficult to speak. Or breathe for that matter. The combined stench of sickly unrefined sugar and hairy monster smell was getting to him considerably after the fifty minutes they had now been stuck together for.

He peered up at the giant hairy thing, which only a few hours ago had been nothing more than another mad glint in his eye. He struggled almost heroically to unstick his previously white captain's haori from the depths of the hairy, sugary mass and failed, eventually resorting to wondering whether this was how he was finally going to die. Where Quincy arrows had failed, molasses and fur were now going to end it all.

The monster stirred a little and its eye turned to Mayuri adoringly.

'MAMA,' it rumbled. Mayuri sighed in defeat and decided just to sit there and wait for rescue in whatever form.

This was i not /i how it was supposed to have worked out...

_Five Hours Earlier Than The Present..._

Having the day off was something as alien to him as expressing any kind of paternal affection towards Nemu. However, in the cleanup after the big fuss over the fifth, third and ninth division captains respectively and figuratively (though who knew with Ichimaru Gin anyway) giving the finger to Soul Society, the higher ups were trying to 'boost morale amongst the troops' as rumour called it. And so various shinigami in the higher ranks were on leave when they weren't needed and this had eventually fallen on his shoulders.

It was all a damn waste of time if anybody asked him. Which they weren't, considering his reputation as possibly one of the weirdest captains (or shinigami for that matter) around. Mayuri, the genius that he was, just thought they were intimidated by his brilliance.

He supposed, thinking about it when the order had been handed to him, that it wasn't such a I bad /I idea. Considering he did have a few new experiments he had been saving for a rainy day, he supposed that this was a good a time as any to get a couple of them started. There was one in particular he had been i dying /i to try out.

Several days before he was issued leave, by the Twelfth Division captain's order, some members of the research institute had picked up some samples from the mortal world; a few bits of road kill here and there, nothing that would cause a major disturbance but interesting enough to go into his rather gory (and growing) collection of dead things floating in pickle jars. Mayuri, always having been one to improve on things that had been broken, or as in this case, dead, and of course, this being Mayuri and his obsession with weird, creep, albeit insanely powerful things, this was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

And lo! The electrodes were dusted off and the twelfth division captain got to work.

_Three Hours Earlier Than The Present..._

Shinigami all over Seiretei, (although perhaps not those who spent a lot of time in the general vicinity of the twelfth division headquarters) were more than a little surprised when a freak storm suddenly appeared and proceeded to throw fork lightning down on a localised area, namely, Mayuri's lab. This lasted for all of ten seconds and then the bolts disappeared as suddenly as they had come, leaving some very dazed shinigami blinking light spots from their vision and trying not to bump into any walls as they staggered about, reeling from the shock.

Afraid of an experiment gone horribly wrong for their captain, some of the research institute staff plus Nemu, rushed onto the scene, only to find a slightly blackened, smoking and triumphantly grinning Mayuri hunched over a mass of bright purple, wriggling fur.

'He doesn't seem to be the worse for wear…' Akon surmised. Nemu nodded, still a little worried-looking. The thing on the table seemed to be I growing /I and emitting squeaking noises as it did. The twelfth division captain was still grinning like a loon, an aura of absolute pride filling the air around him. He seemed to be muttering something.

'Sorry, Mayuri-sama…?' Nemu stepped forward a little, trying to hear whether or not he was giving her an order.

'IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!! ' The vice-captain jumped as her father's shout split the air, and gave way to mad cackling. The squeaking noises were getting louder and Akon looked apprehensively at the furball. It had now pretty much swallowed the entire lab table and …was that a I arm /I forming?

'Uh, taichou…'

Mayuri whirled round. 'What is it now?'

Akon pointed to his feet where a tendril of fur had snaked itself round his captain's body, unnoticed while he had been cackling, entwining itself around his ankles. Making a small noise of annoyance, Mayuri moved to detangle himself but before he could lift one foot from the mess, the creature suddenly rose up to its full height and grabbed the captain with a fully formed hand, holding him high above what passed for a head. A single yellow eye with a red pupil glared at them from the middle of the purple fur.

'Taichou!' The braver members of the institute rushed forward but the thing waved Mayuri higher over their heads, evading all their attempts at cutting him down. Shrieking quite inelegantly, Mayuri shouted at them to back off.

'NO, YOU FOOLS! GET BACK!' He turned his face so he could shout at the creature. 'Y-YOU PURPLE…THING! PUT ME DOWN AT ONCE! I AM YOUR MASTER! I CREATED YOU! AAAAAAGH!'

'Mayuri-sama!' Nemu shouted from below. 'What are your orders?'

'STAY. BACK. YOU IDIOT. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HANDLING IT?' Nemu nodded her head in acquiescence and shouted confirmation back up to her father.

'Hai, Mayuri-sama!'

As if to prove how well the twelfth division captain was 'handling the situation', the creature chose that moment to blow a hole in the side of the wall of the lab and jumped through it, still with Mayuri in its furry clutches into the blackness beyond.

For a few moments there was nothing but deathly silence in the newly refurbished lab. They listened to their captain's fading shrieks echo away until there was nothing but the sound of their breathing left. A freak tumbleweed drifted by. Then Akon walked forward until he could put his head through the hole and take a look around.

'The sewer system,' he remarked plainly. Nemu turned to a technician. 'Please get Unohana-taichou.'

* * *

Next time: The Fourth Division get called in for help! Mayuri finds himself in it up to the neck! Will he be rescued?

More notes: Agh, there's no decent words to express to you how much I fail at life. XD; I've already started art two of this so there should be little to no problem in updating. My Death Note fic, 'Of Dreams' part two is almost ready too, people who were waiting for that on kiranoutopia.

Reviews are love.


	2. Chapter 2

Second part

A/N: Second part! A little later than promised, but what the hell. As long as it gets done, right? EVENTUALLY.

* * *

The fourth division were called and soon, teams of shinigami were winding their way down the long passageways of Sereitei's underground sewer system, looking for the twelfth division captain and his errant creation.

Meanwhile, Mayuri distantly noted in the back of his mind, as he was dragged through dark tunnels by the scruff of his haori, that as soon as this incident was over, he was going to be the laughing stock of all Soul Society for centuries, if not millennia to come. No matter what incredible breakthroughs in science and technology he undoubtedly would come up with in the future, he had a distinct feeling nothing would match the 'giant, purple and hairy' incident. Sighing mentally, he resigned himself to his current fate and hoping those idiots he could barely call subordinates were doing something about all this.

To make matters worse, such as they could still get, the monster had started excreting some sort of sticky substance at the roots of its fur. A stray tendril swiped lovingly over his face had smeared the stuff over his horrified expression and Mayuri had caught the distinct smell of it. Identifying it, he sighed again out loud or as much as he was able to; he _hated_ sweet stuff. In addition, there seemed to be some kind of tingling sensation as the molasses-type substance oozed over him and he cursed inwardly and out loud as he realised his limbs were growing numb.

'Argh,' he managed to articulate before his mouth went fuzzy and he hung limply in the monster's grasp.

**Back to the present time and...**

Anticipating that the twelfth division captain wouldn't exactly want this spread out around Sereitei, Akon had recruited only two fourth division members in the quest and various research assistants carrying shock sticks and nets to help suppress Mayuri's creation. Following a trail had been no problem. The monster seemed to be a little wider than the odd arches of the sewers and there were chunks of broken masonry scattered here and there. As they walked on, they noticed dark smears appearing on the ground and on the ceiling. Taking a sample i.e., swiping a gloved finger through the stuff and sniffing it cautiously, Akon ascertained that, yes in fact, this was molasses or at least, a similar type of thing. This led him back to wonder just _what the hell_ his boss had been trying to do in the first place when he'd created that thing.

When the smears became bigger and more frequent, he knew they were catching up. He bade the fourth division shinigami to stay back whilst he and his team pressed forward. The sewer came to a wide area, dark except in the middle where it looked like there was a drain in the ceiling, allowing some sunlight through. In one of the corners, there was a distinct heaving mass, purple even in the gloom, with hint of Mayuri.

'Taichou…?' He called hesitantly, waving the others into position, cornering the monster with his hostage. The sickly sweet smell was stronger here and…

Wait a second.

Something was caught in a knot of purple hair, gleaming dully in the rays of torchlight passing over it. It looked remarkably like…

Ah. Akon nearly grimaced. Hidden in his own office, a tiny room next to the main lab, where he'd genuinely thought no one would find it, was Akon's stash of chocolate that he'd traded with shinigami on missions to the mortal world. This stash, oddly enough, was kept in a box marked 'DNA Samples. Do Not Open' rather like this one, identical right down to the little notch on the visible side from when he'd carelessly knocked it off of his desk once.

It certainly explained the molasses-like excretion, although how it had ended up as part of the twelfth division captain's impromptu experiment was a bit baffling and something he would probably have to refrain from asking until some time (several millennia) after this incident.

Figuring that he'd rather not tell the twelfth division captain currently in the captive embrace of his own accidental creation that he'd lent some to the predicament, Akon cleared his throat and shook his head, hoping to hell that he still had his calm face on. It was unclear whether Mayuri was still conscious, but the lack of response so far from the team's collective effort to rouse a response from their captain was not optimistic.

He sighed and took a deep breath. Time to get working.

MURR. Fail. At least there's an update, right? Which leads me to point out that I have actually, wonder of all wonders, almost finished the next chapter to the Angelique AU. Over an out.


	3. Chapter 3

Grah. Thank you for your lovely reviews to keep me going. Yes, this fic was a surprise to me as well. I'm not usually a Mayuri fan either, but he lends himself so well to crackfic, it's hard to resist. Can't say whether or not there'll definitely be more as I'm working on several multi-chapter fics, new and old, but this is the last of Help!

**Edit:** This is a few days later than intended [stares pointedly at ] but hopefully worth waiting for the end.

You've been an inspiring audience [tips non-hat] and so in conclusion:

* * *

As the last wave of attackers had stepped back, there was a distinct smell of burnt sugar in the air, the intensity of it almost prompting Akon to swear off caramel or at least toffee for a long, long while.

Subdued now after a rather messy skirmish, the purple entity released the unconscious twelfth division captain from the slightly smoking masses of hair. Sliding on his back on the goo on the floor of the cavern, Mayuri came to a standstill at Akon's feet, almost immediately eclipsed by the fourth division members, who unslung their medical packs from their backs and began a check-over for any sustained injuries. The researcher sighed, almost giving in to the urge of wiping a hand over his face in equal parts exasperation and relief, before realising that pretty much most of him was covered in the molasses-type excretion the monster had covered its tentacle-like hair in.

They'd decided on a rush attack in the end, the thing knew they were there after all, and so it had begun. After the first wave, the monster had started to thrash around and for a wild moment, Akon had frozen, thinking that surely the captain might be harmed in the berserk rage of his captor. He'd noticed then that it was only drawing Mayuri in closer to the core of it, possessively. The shock-sticks were an effective weapon however, and no one even had to draw their zanpakutou who had theirs with them. Then, after only the third attack of everyone closing in on it and simultaneously electrocuting it did it shudder and still, finally giving up its withheld cargo.

Shrugging mentally, Akon looked around at the activity still going around him. A few of the lab technicians had gone back to find something suitable to transport the monster in, very probably for later dissection back at the institute, and the fourth division shinigami had finished in their assessment and, producing a field stretcher seemingly from nowhere, had lifted the still comatose captain onto it, ready for his delivery back to their division headquarters. Presumably then, another squad would be sent out to clean up the rest of the mess from the walls and floor of the sewer tunnel. Akon made a face in his head. Life in the twelfth got really weird but looking at these guys and what their everyday jobs were in lieu of being in the thick of the action, there was no envy to be found here.

Looking back one last time over it all, he turned and started the walk back with the rest of the group, following the fourth division shinigami down a different path and winding up just outside of the medical institute. Captain Unohana was there to greet them, thankfully without her irritating second, Iemura or whatever his name was, and on her left was Nemu, expressionless as usual, but still managing to convey a slight anxiety.

'Fukutaichou…' Akon began, but stopped, not really wanting to spend time on ridiculous explanation in the middle of another's division, not to mention covered in… whatever the fuck this was still. He looked down briefly, and sure enough, he was dripping into a steadily expanding puddle.

'It can wait?' He asked hopefully. Unohana nodded, her expression eternally serene as the rest of her, and said,

'Your vice-captain has already explained the situation to me and as Captain Kurotsuchi seems to have no lasting injury, we have no need of you for the moment.'

Akon felt relief wash over him as he acknowledged Nemu's following gesture for him to go back to the research institute, and he walked back, dripping a trail of slime, ignoring the stares from other shinigami as he went. That relief would probably only last as long as it took for the news to reach him that the captain had woken up and was back in the lab, demanding an explanation, but he couldn't bring himself to care at that moment in time, thinking happily about a nice hot shower in the meantime, and possibly a snack.

Nothing sweet for a while though. And he should probably try to avoid Rin too…

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Finished iiiit. Liked? Disliked? [points to review button] Tell me every which way~!


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